Bosh and Moonshine Script Excerpt

Excerpt from BOSH AND MOONSHINE script

CHARACTERS:

LYNN: Young woman who operates the Gaiety Saloon
OLLIE O'LEARY: Young man, a traveling musician singer songwriter. He is enamored with the Old West.
MYSTERIOUS DAVE MATHER: gunslinger and part time law-man
FANNIE GARRETSON: Hurdy Gurdy singer and a fancy lady
FREDERICK FORSYTHE FOSDICK: A Shakespearian tragedian
REVEREND MOULD: An undertaker
THE BUNKHOUSE BOYS: assorted musicians (piano, bass, guitar)

THE ACTION TAKES PLACE IN THE SALOON OF THE GAIETY BED AND BREAKFAST, Dodge City Kansas, the present.

ACT TWO (excerpt)

FOSDICK: Of course one speaks of the royal 'we'. I myself am another matter -- for when the annals of this tawdry time are penned, a lengthy chapter shall be devoted to the singular genius, the incandescent adornments, the unparalleled accomplishments that were Frederick Forsythe Fosdick the Third's.
MOULD: Freddy...
FOSDICK: What the Devil is it, Mould?
MOULD: Shut up.
FOSDICK: (SHOCKED) Mould?
DAVE: Well, ya'll can sit around here jawin' about it all you want to. I'm headin' out.
FANNIE: Where to?
DAVE: The Long Branch. I'll bet the boys have a game goin' and there might even be a fancy lady or two lingerin' by the bar.
LYNN: Aren't you ever going to get tired of chasin' women?
DAVE: Not till I catch me one.
OLLIE: (NOTICING FANNIE’S HESITATION) What is it, Miss Garretson?
FANNIE: It's just that ever time I think about going back to Deadwood Dick, my mind turns to sawdust.
DAVE: No wonder. That tired ole bounder with his lousy jokes and bad banjo playing -- Why don't you forget about him and ride for me. For old time's sake. You know how I love you.
FANNIE: Really?
DAVE: There's only two women who ever mattered to me. You and --
FANNIE: I know -- Squirrel Tooth Alice.
OLLIE: Who's she?
LYNN: One of the most notorious prostitutes in the West. They've got her stuffed down at the museum.
FANNIE: They have? (HAPPILY) I'm sorry to hear about that! Well, I reckon that leaves me. (TO DAVE) Come on, you old rattler.
(SHE TAKES DAVE’S ARM)
FANNIE: Just one thing...
DAVE: What, Fannie, my love?
FANNIE: You know good and well. Take it out -- for once and for all.
DAVE: Awwwh... (REMOVES CHAW OF TOBACCO INTO CUSPIDOR)
LYNN: You really are leaving?
DAVE: That's about the size of it.
LYNN: Can't you at least stay for breakfast?
FANNIE: Sorry, honey, but something's come up.
DAVE: Something that's been dead for a long. time (THEY EMBRACE. FOSDICK BEGINS TO LEAVE)
LYNN: What about you, Mr. Fosdick? Aren't you hungry? I make a mean omelette!
FOSDICK: As angry as your coffee? No -- not tonight, my dear.
LYNN: Reverand Mould, what about you?
MOULD: Actually, I was hoping... (TO FOSDICK:) Freddy?
FOSDICK: Mould, gaze not upon me with those spaniel eyes.
MOULD: But I've still got that bottle of Madeira.
FOSDICK: Fie, fie!
MOULD: And some cream crackers and potted grouse...
FOSDICK: (A LITTLE LESS ADAMANTLY) Feh, feh --
MOULD: And a brand new illustrated edition of the Rubiyat...
FOSDICK: (MORE INTERESTED) Illustrated?
MOULD: (HOLDING UP ROLL OF BILLS) Not to mention an eternity's worth of winnings from the bunco table!
FOSDICK: (GRABS MONEY, TOSSES IT IN THE AIR, TAKES MOULD’S ARM) Come, Mould, you're on.
OLLIE: (READING A BILL) 'The Corn Exchange Bank of De Soto, Nebraska, will pay two dollars to the bearer on demand'?
LYNN: I don't think so!
DAVE: They take it at the Long Branch.
FANNIE: They take ANYTHING at the Long Branch!